


Breathe In, Breathe Deep

by loviedovielou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Implied or Off-stage Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-20
Updated: 2013-04-20
Packaged: 2017-12-09 01:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/768163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loviedovielou/pseuds/loviedovielou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes bad things happen to good people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe In, Breathe Deep

The water is cold, shocking his system. It burns his skin at the first taste before he slowly becomes numb to this new, odd pain that reaches straight to his bones. It’s a sharp throbbing ache, one that has you gritting your teeth and cursing God beneath your breath, but he doesn’t dare remove himself from the water. It’s too distracting to give up as his mind is wiped clean from the daring thoughts that take up far too much space in his head.

His fingertips dance across the surface of the dark, icy water, and Louis smiles to himself for the first time in months, finally feeling free. Mentally he’s been living in such confined spaces lately, and sometimes all he can do to bare the entrapment he feels is to put a pillow to his face and scream, and even that is limited. But this – this is different, nice even. All that surrounds him is silence and water and the infinite sky that glows white from the moon. 

This is peace, he thinks. 

He swims about for a while, treading the water carelessly with a hint of abandon, trying not to concern himself with the idea of what might be lurking within the water along with him. The water is no longer cold, his body has adapted to it entirely and he can’t decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Then, humorously, he wonders if his lips will turn blue – even hopes that they will just because he can. 

He becomes rather bored quickly and decides to float on his back, the water drifting him around the small bit of area he has claimed by the dock. He stares at the sky, and the stars, and the moon, and he dreams of a life filled with love and content – a life filled with normalcy more than anything. Then again, what is a normal life? Someone who attends University and gets trapped with some boring, uneventful job before being seduced with the idea that marriage and family is what life is all about? Hah! That’s comical. Louis would rather drown right here, right now then have anything to do with a life such as that. And – Okay, so he’s completely contradicting himself, he knows, but he can’t help it. That’s just how his young, eighteen year old brain is wired at the moment. You make mistakes, you lose interest in life, and you contradict yourself. That’s just being a teenager isn’t it? Well, Louis thinks so anyways. 

“Innit it a bit cold out for a midnight swim?” a sudden voice appears from the dock. 

Startled, Louis flails his limbs a bit and is taken under by shock before coming up a moment later, spewing water and cursing angrily. Whipping around, he finds he is no longer alone, and that causes anger to bubble up inside him. “What do you want?” he scowls, teeth beginning to chatter as a gust of wind wisps past him. 

“Sorry,” the boy shrugs. “Didn’t realize you owned the lake.” 

Louis scoffs. “Go away, would you? I’m trying to drown myself.” It’s a lie, the boy knows it. 

“Well you’re doing a pretty shit job at it, if I’m being honest,” he bites back, a hint of humor flooding his deep voice. 

Louis wants to throw a rock at him. Instead, he settles with a simple, “Screw off,” and returns to his original position. 

“I’d ask if I could join you,” the boy continues, “but I’m sure you’d just repeat your last statement, so I’m going to anyways.” 

_Go away, Go away, Go away_ Louis chants in his mind. 

“So please, carry on with your act of suicide. I’ll just sit here quietly and you can ignore me.” 

Louis squeezes his eyes shut. Why does this kid even care? Sure, he was nice to him before, but that was months ago! Surely he doesn’t remember that, does he? Louis does, but that’s only because he can’t erase those twenty four hours embedded into his brain even if he tries, and he definitely has. 

“You’re an asshole,” Louis finally says. 

“Yeah, I hear that often.” 

“And you’re obnoxious.” 

“Yep. That too.” 

Louis bites down on his lip and waits to feel pain before muttering, “Do you ever shut up?” 

Harry – yeah, that’s his name, he remembers now – laughs, actually laughs, and says, “Sorry, my mum taught me this thing where I should speak if I’m spoken to, and I can’t seem to get past it.” 

“I’m pretty sure it’s ‘you shouldn’t speak unless spoken to’.” 

“Same thing.” 

Louis sighs and brushes away a droplet of water that begins to trickle down the side of his face. “You must be lonely to wanna hang out with me. I’m really no fun.” 

This time Louis is called out on his BS. “Liar,” Harry says. “You seem to have plenty of fun when you’re drunk.” 

Louis’ heart jumps into his throat. “Yeah. Well. It’s easy to have fun when you’re under the influence.” He wants to say more but he doesn’t. It’s for the best, really. 

“Some people have a bit too much fun, don’t you think?” Harry muses. 

Louis moves his arms through the water, wincing as it sloshes onto his chest and face a bit. Okay, this is really beginning to feel miserable more than anything. He doesn’t feel free anymore, and he certainly doesn’t feel peace. All he feels is cold and tired. “What do you want from me?” he asks after a pause of silence floats between them. 

“Do I need a reason to talk to you?” 

“Well no, but—” 

“I don’t want anything from you, Louis,” he interrupts. “If I had known beforehand that you were here, I wouldn’t have wasted my time walking all the way across town to clear my head. Sorry if I’m bothering you. I can leave if you want.” 

Louis gives up on floating and moves to stand, his feet touching the bottom of the lake where it’s quite shallow. “I –” there’s a pause, and then Louis shakes his head and sighs. “No, no don’t leave. I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m not being very kind and I apologize for that.” Even from here he can see the green in Harry’s eyes. They are lit up and glowing. Louis feels drawn to them, like he can’t look away. 

“It’s okay,” Harry shrugs, but it isn’t and Louis knows that. He begins to feel bad as he realizes that Harry isn’t the enemy here. He’s actually being nice to him when he should be treating Louis the opposite, but that’s the strange thing about Harry Styles. He seems to treat everyone equally with respect and kindness no matter how horrible you treat him in return, and that – in Louis’ eyes – is something to be very envious of. 

Louis swims closer. “Not really.” 

Harry smiles, kind of. “I don’t mind. ‘M used to it.” 

Louis frowns, wondering just what that means. He decides not to question it though, because Harry doesn’t look as though he wants to tell him, and that’s okay. Louis understands. “You should come swimming,” Louis says. “The water feels amazing.” 

“I’d rather not die of pneumonia but thanks for the offer,” Harry chuckles. 

“It’s very freeing you know.” Louis understands that he doesn’t need to offer Harry an explanation as to what he’s doing swimming in the lake in the middle of November at such an ungodly hour, but for some reason or another, he feels like he needs try. 

“More like free _zing_ ,” Harry smirks. 

“Both actually.” 

“How many times have you done this exactly?” the younger boy wonders, eyes narrowing with curiosity. 

Louis swims further out, putting some distance between them. “This is my first.” 

He watches as Harry bites down on his lip. He looks as though he has something to say but he doesn’t know how. Louis waits patiently, his body bobbing through the water at ease. “So what made you think it was a good idea to jump in, in the first place?” Harry finally asks. 

Louis draws in a deep, cold breath and thinks for a moment. That’s a good question, one he isn’t sure if he can answer. “I, um, I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I felt like I was going to explode.” 

“With?” Harry quirks one eyebrow. 

“Emotions,” Louis shrugs. 

Harry cracks a smile and shakes his head. “Wow, Tomlinson, you really are cryptic.” 

“Happily so,” he answers, trying to hide the smirk that wants to dance across his lips. “I think the better question though is why in the world you’re out here right now? It’s what, two in the morning?” 

“It’s going on three actually.” 

“That doesn’t help your case at all, Harry,” Louis says. 

Harry stares at him for a long moment, his green eyes glowing. Then, without a word, he picks himself up from the dock and ventures closer to the end. He settles down on the edge and his legs swing from the dock, his shoes just barely skimming the top of the water. “I think – well silence is a nice thing, and it isn’t something I have very often at home. So I come here when I need to think something through or let out steam, and it, I don’t know, helps,” he breathes. 

Pain seeps through Harry’s eyes. Louis wants to make it go away somehow, wants to help bring back that cheeky glint he remembers from the last time they saw each other. “Don’t be sad,” he says, but he doesn’t mean to. It just kind of spills out. 

“Don’t be a hypocrite.” Harry replies without missing a beat. 

“And just what is that supposed to mean?” Louis questions, though he isn’t sure if he wants to know the answer to that. 

“I think you know exactly what it means.” 

Louis feels his throat swell and his mouth go dry. Suddenly he wants nothing more than to be swallowed by this lake. He recognizes that Harry knows more about _that night_ then what he’s led Louis to believe, but Louis has spent months hoping that isn’t the case. He doesn’t wish for anyone to know – especially Harry – and he sure doesn’t want to speak about it either. 

“I – I don’t have any idea as to what you’re talking about.” 

Harry smiles sadly. “It’s okay to talk about it you know. I know it’s personal, but—” 

“But nothing,” Louis cuts him off sharply. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” 

The younger boy merely shrugs and Louis feels like screaming. It isn’t fair. “Do you want some kind of confession or something? Is that what you’re looking for? Look, I know you’re young and you probably don’t get it, but sometimes things happen…” 

“It happened to me too,” Harry says quietly. 

Louis doesn’t catch it immediately. He just keeps going. “…and we don’t understand why – Wait! What?” He stops, bewildered by the sudden confession. He swims forward till he reaches the dock, and then he looks up at Harry and realizes he’s shivering. “I – um –” For the first time all night, he doesn’t know what to say. 

Harry looks away, out towards the trees. He’s biting his lip too, Louis notes, something they have in common. Louis reaches up to rub at his eyes, the water beginning to irritate them. For a moment he contemplates getting out but he’s afraid to. Afraid of scaring Harry off somehow, which sure is ironic since it wasn’t too long ago that he was trying to will the boy away. 

Now, though, he wants nothing more than to take him into his arms and soothe his pain away, because he understands. He understands more than he wishes he does. 

“D’you, um, want to like, uh.” Louis stumbles over a mess of words. “I mean – do you want to talk about it?” 

Harry shrugs his shoulders. “You told me to watch my back and I didn’t.” 

_“So I’ll see you around, yeah?” says Harry._

_Louis quirks one eyebrow. “Aren’t you a little young to be hanging around a bunch of stupid guys who drink all the time and can’t keep their hands to themselves?”_

_Harry shrugs, “S’pose so, but you’re not exactly that much older than me either, so what’s your excuse.”_

_Sucking in a lungful of air, Louis nods a couple of times. “Touché.” Then he quickly bypasses Harry and heads towards the door. Half way there he reluctantly turns back and finds the young boy with bright green eyes staring at him. “Just – um – watch your back, okay?”_

_Harry’s eyebrows furrow and a caring, almost heartfelt look washes over his face. “Yeah. Yeah I will. Thanks, Louis.”_

Louis winces at the memory. He did tell him that, yes, and he thought – or hoped, at least – that Harry would listen to him. Like truly listen to him, because he knew first hand that if you’re careless and you’re intoxicated then things will happen. Things _do_ happen. 

“Was it Jeremy?” Louis asks. 

“Yes,” Harry says quietly. 

Louis squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah, me too.” 

“You should tell.” It’s such a stupid thing to say, especially since Louis understands why Harry wouldn’t want to tell, but he keeps going. “I mean, if he did it to you and he did it to me then he’s probably done it to others. He needs to be punished for this.” 

Harry licks over his lips and lets out a loud, dry laugh. “You honestly think that people care? Louis, my own parents don’t care. What makes you think the police will? We were drunk. We deserved it.” 

Louis’ chest tightens with shame and guilt. “No,” he says, slowly shaking his head. “No, we didn’t deserve it. No one does. And he’s gonna keep doing it over and over again until someone steps forward.” 

Harry rubs at his eye and Louis frowns, mentally pleading _please don’t cry, please don’t cry_ because he doesn’t handle people who cry very well. Harry seems okay after a moment though and Louis feels relieved. “I think I’m gonna come in,” Harry says. He looks weary about his decision but also certain. 

A smirk twitches at Louis’s lips. “It’s cold,” he warns him. “What if you die of pneumonia?” 

Standing up, Harry shrugs and begins to kick off his shoes and undress. “Then I guess I die.” 

Louis ignores that particular statement and waits patiently for Harry to finish stripping down. The younger boy tosses his clothes aside by his shoes and then gives Louis a wide grin as he backs up for a running start. When he hits the water, Louis is splashed wide awake with a face full of chilling water. 

Harry smirks at him when he comes up to the surface, his hair sticking to his face. “Hi,” he breathes. 

“Hi to you too,” Louis smiles. 

“This water is freezing,” Harry states. His teeth are starting to chatter. 

“Yes,” Louis muses, “it is. But it’s refreshing too.” 

Harry pushes his hair out of his eyes. “It kind of hurts.” 

“You’ll be numb to it in a minute.” 

Harry moves his body around the water in a strange way and then begins to laugh and laugh. Louis stares at him with an odd look. “I’m sorry,” Harry apologizes, trying to hold it in, “I’m just – I feel so giddy all of the sudden. Why is this thrilling to me?” 

“Oh that’s easy.” Louis waves a hand through the air. “It’s ‘cause you’re sixteen. Anything like this is thrilling to a sixteen year old.” 

“I doubt that.” Harry rolls his eyes. They look so green up close. 

Louis shrugs, a hint of a smile beginning to appear. “Fine. Don’t believe me. I don’t care, but I’m right.” 

“Your lips are turning blue,” Harry says suddenly. 

Louis reaches up to touch them. “Really?” He asks, and Harry nods. “Sweet. I was wondering if they’d do that.” 

Harry laughs. “You’re weird.” 

“Says the boy who decided to join me.” 

“Touché.” 

They begin to swim around some, splashing and dunking each other like idiots, trying to forget about their problems for the time being. They’re both determined to enjoy themselves, because even though they want to freeze this moment and stay here forever, they know that isn’t possible. 

Tonight won’t happen a second time. Tonight is all they have. Tomorrow they will be reintroduced to reality again, and they will still have the same problems as they did before this night, because one late night swim doesn’t change your life forever. 

When they’re finally out of the lake, both absolutely freezing, they lie down on the dock and stare at the sky, and Harry eventually says, “Okay.” 

Louis turns his head to look at him. “Okay, what?” He feels confused. 

“I’ll tell.” 

Swallowing hard, Louis asks, “Why would you do that?” 

Harry exhales deeply. “Because you’re right. He’s gonna keep doing it until someone steps forward. That someone might as well be me.” 

Louis brushes his hand against Harry's and smiles, proud that this young boy has more courage than he ever thought about having. “Okay,” he says. “If you tell then I’ll tell." Fear grips his chest firmly at the thought of coming clean with his secret, but Louis fights it and pushes it away, because if Harry can do it then surely he can too.


End file.
